Život se psem

Zločin proti lidskosti aneb Pořídila jsem si psa

Psa jsem pořídila z jednoho prostýho důvodu. Nebýt sama. Když mi bylo dvacet, přivedla jsem si domů Kočku [1]  a dlouho jsem žila v představě, že jednou umřu v padesáti na zástavu srdce, ve svým staropanenským bytě na gauči, a kolem bude spousta koček, který budou postupně ožírat moji mrtvolu,…Jenže Kočka nepotřebovala, abych se o ni starala, měla v Domě [2] své otroky a pravidelně odcházela i na pár dní, aby prozkoumávala sousedství,… Nebýt sama,… A tak jsem si pořídila Jarvise.

Jarvis – mojé láska, můj přítel, mé dítě, má rodina,… On by s tím samozřejmě nesouhlasil.

Jarvis je shiba inu. Později vám o téhle rase prozradím něco víc, zatím byste měli vědět alespoň to, že on uvažuje naopak – tedy v jeho prospěch. Jarvis z jeho psího pohledu nikdy nebude můj, protože to já a všechno kolem je Jeho, tedy jak by on řekl, kdyby mluvil, “Moje!“ Takové jsou shiby. Hlavním majetkem každé shiby je její člověk. [3] Samozřejmě Jarvisovi patří také veškerý můj hmotný i nehmotný majetek, včetně toho pronajatého. Můj šatník, můj psací stůl, můj fotoaparát, gramofon a nesplacený mac book, na kterým tohle všechno píšu. Jarvisovi samozřejmě patří i Kočka, která by – stejně jako prve Jarvis – se mnou nesouhlasila, ale nebudu se to toho dál zaplétat. Myšlenka byla, doufám, pochopena. Navzdory tomu, že je pro mě Jarvis vším, je to právě on, kdo ve svém malém psím vesmíru své hlavičky všechno vlastní.

Abych se dostala k jádru pudla. Ať se to zdá jakkoliv rozkošný, citlivý a starostlivý, pořídit si psa je ve skutečnosti jako jít do války. Nebo spíš jako tu válku způsobit. V každém případě se jedná o nevratný proces, ve kterém se dost dobře může stát, že budete ukamenováni společností za zločin proti lidskosti.

Co je hlavním problémem? Pes není člověk. Může to být váš nejlepší přítel a můžete s ním chtít sdílet všechny strasti a slasti vašeho života, ale občas prostě narazíte, protože pes není člověk a pravidla jsou pravidla. Takže pokud zvolíte stejný přístup, jaký jsem zvolila já, tedy že pes je mým společníkem, ať se hnu kamkoliv, může se vám nejednou stát, že se budete cítit jako nepřítel státu.

zakaz

Takže co teď s tím? Nepropadejte panice! Řešením je Jarvisův průvodce po galaxii. Ač má mnoho mezer a spousta informací je pochybných nebo přinejmenšším hodně nepřesných – má proti jiným příručkám nesporné výhody.[4] Které brzy vyjdou najevo. Dámy a pánové, začínáme 🙂


[1] pozn. autorky: Moje kočka se jmenuje Kočka a tedy využívám výskyt pouze jednoho pojmu s velkým písmenem, jakožto vyjádření zvířete i jeho jména. Původně se Kočce říkalo Mačka, protože žila asi měsíc u mých přátel ze Slovenska. Postupně se přešlo na české “Kočka” a ze slovenské podoby se zachoval 5. pád ve tvaru “Mačí!” což zároveň nahrazovalo klasické “Čičí!”
[2] pozn. autorky: Obdobně jako u „Kočky” i zde hraje roli má strohá originalita. Dům nebo také Ten Dům je název rodinného domku v Brně, kde žiji společně s přáteli a našimi zvířátky.
[3] zdroj: PETRUSOVÁ, Hana. Shiba del Monte de Haya: Zakladatel chovu plemene shiba v ČR [online]. Česká republika, 2012 [cit. 2016-01-03]. Dostupné z: http://www.shiba.cz/
[4] zdroj: ADAMS, Douglas. Stopařův průvodce po Galaxii. Vyd. v upr. překl. 1. Praha: Hynek, 1998, 178 s. Fascinace. s. 4-5. ISBN 80-86202-14-3
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